Recovery For Dummies

Hasn’t this whole “personal” blog thing really worked out well? I keep it up as well as can be expected, I suppose, me being a professional procrastinator and all…

But I thought I would do a little bit of typing before I leave for the movie, since I don’t need to prep… I have already seen this (we are seeing 300 again) and I have a little time.

Last night at my meeting, I was given my “90 Day” medallion. No it did not look like the medallion jpeg I put up- I just put that up cuz I thought it was cool. I swear, all of this shit makes me ill sometimes, it is so completely not something I would have ever seen myself doing… going through the whole 12 Steps crap, but surprisingly, I have discovered what about a billion other people have already discovered- namely, that it seems to work, when applied.

So I am faithful going to my meetings on Fridays and my step-study group on the weekend, and I am trying to be sincere and not roll my eyes when someone starts talking about something that might seem lame to the rest of the world but has deep, real meaning to that person. The recovery group that I attend is not just for pill popping princesses like myself, but for anyone who has any kind of addiction, including, oh, like food.

I admit when I first started going, I had this huge swell of sarcasm building up in me at the very thought…. And I had to keep my mouth shut tightly to avoid it breaking out and hurting someone. However… I have changed my mind. Without naming names, or even telling stories, I will say that there are women in this group whose eating is as totally out of control, if not as life-threatening, as my drug use was.

So am I becoming more mellow? Am I starting to be nice? Maybe just a little sympathetic? Probably none of the above, it is all debatable in any case, and I am not in a philosophical mood today.

Oh wait, maybe there is a little trickle of philosophy running through my left eye…

I do know that my perception of the world has shifted since I quit using drugs, and perhaps that is just natural… it’s like seeing out the window that has had rain rolling down it for years and years, and going, Oh my God, is THAT what the front yard really looks like?

Last night, driving home, I realized that something is missing in me that has been so long a constant companion that it’s actually odd I haven’t noticed its absence until now… that thing is self pity, and the accompanying all-around Wretchedness… I have worn wrapped around me like a cloak. Me, the mysterious pity vampire, wrapped in my shroud of wretchedness, sucking up any pity that I come in contact with and turning it to suit me… I recognized that was indeed what I was like, but I thought it was how I “just was”…nothing could be done to change it, divert it… I looked at myself fairly clearly, with a large dose of honesty. I saw the disgustingness of who I was, the characteristics that were shaming and that I had to laugh at, because deep down, I was always wondering how in the HELL I turned out like this… but I never thought any of it would change. Certainly not by getting clean. I thought drugs were just a helpful way to deal with the awfulness of myself. I never thought that the awfulness might start to change if I got off the drugs. I was, quite simple, a horrible, self-pitying, emotional wreck of a person. Period. Forever and ever. Til death do I part from it.

And now, I am thinking. Maybe that is not true. It is certainly startling to think of… and of course leads to other thoughts… if this is not true, maybe there are other things I have always accepted as “Fact” that are not true either.

I just beg, no, I plead…. If I start to talking about “recognizing my own needs” and telling people that they are affecting my feelings of self-worth, punch me in the face. Twice. REALLY HARD. That is the only thing that still brings forth the eye-rolling and clamped lips at these meetings… listening to the people who seemingly have replaced drugs as the reason for all their problems with other people now…

“He said “blah” and I needed to tell him how much that hurt me.”

“She did “blah” and I really felt compelled to tell her that it offended me and hurt my feelings of self-worth.”

“And I told him, I really feel that when you said that, you were crossing one of my personal boundaries.”

Puke. But whatever- now I am being as bad as them, focusing on everyone else but myself. I will just say it once more- if my self-pity turns into self-righteousness, hit me hard and fast and don’t let me get up until I laugh at myself.

I don't know... but it is a lot to think about. It’s a crazy fucking world, people, but I might just be able to find my way through it anyway.

Re-reading that last line made my eyes roll hard, so now I have a headache and I need to go take some drugs… just kidding… and I really am. Kidding. Ninety days. Uh-mazing.